Have you ever noticed when you blow in a dog's face, they get really pissed off?
But what is the first thing they do when they get into the car?
Stick their head out the window so the wind will blow in their face.
(I confess that I either heard this or read this somewhere but it is stolen!)
I was right. I had to drag my ass out of bed at 6:30 (I normally get up at 6:00). No makeup for me this morning. Thank goodness I don't have to wear it. I have not been able to wake up all morning. Somehow I have the feeling I won't be human until around noon.
Chicago Cubs count down:
5 days, 2 hours, 23 minutes, and 33 seconds left until the first pitch.
Ok, I shamelessly stole the title from Gern.
I woke up rested, believe it or not. I lay there thinking that the alarm was going to go off any minute. After a while, when it didn’t go off, realizing that it was too dark and I heard Molly get a drink (Yes, I can tell which dog is drinking in the middle of the night) I decided to look at the clock. So I untangled myself from the bedcovers and the hose from my Bi-PAP, grabbed my glasses, looked at the clock…3:23 am. Damn, it’s too early to get up and too late to take something to make me sleep.
It’s cold in my house. It is only 35 outside. I decided to let the dogs out because I knew if I had to go, so did they. I was right. Molly hardly took two steps off the patio while Mr. Picky searched the yard for that perfect spot. They got that it was too early to get up and decided to go back to bed, when they came back in. I, on the other hand am wide awake.
Strangely, I am not upset or sad. Is it because I have slept soundly for 5 ½ hours? Which is the most I have slept soundly in about 2 weeks without being drugged. Is it because it is cold in my house? Wait…I’m gonna go turn up the thermostat. Ok, sorry ‘bout that but my fingers were getting stiff and it makes it hard to type. Anyway, who knows why I am awake but I am.
There is no reason to get up, I mean if I could go into work and get off at noon, I would but the boss would never go for it. Yeah, I can see explaining that one. He is game for lots of things but he likes that he knows when we are supposed to be there and when were not. It’s a control issue, I am sure. Other than that though he is pretty cool to work for. He’s really laid back.
He’s the type of guy who you sometimes wonder when you look at him if he has the slightest clue as to what is going on. But, behind that mild-mannered exterior is the mind of a genius. It’s just wrapped in a good ole’ country boy from Wisconsin. Who, by the way, likes Harley’s and expensive gadgets. He always has the latest ‘toy’.
So, like the title suggest, I’m going to crawl back under the covers, pop-in one of those chick flicks I own, that I would never admit to and hope that I am asleep when the alarm goes off. Not that it will do me any good. I’ll have one of those sleep hang-overs because I was rudely woken up before I was able to complete a proper sleep cycle.
**Sigh**
Just to give my Pop equal time I wanted to let you know that I love him very much too. I tend not to lean on him as much as I do my mom but I have come to realize in the last few years that I am more my father’s daughter than I thought.
From him, I get my love of art. I didn’t know until Christmas time when he and I spent an entire afternoon going through old pictures, of his family, that my great grandfather was an artist. From him, I get my love of the outdoors. From him, I get my love of animals. From him I get my love of cartoons. From him, I get my love of words. I get my love of books from both my parents but my love of words comes from my father.
Now, my youngest brother inspired this blog thing and I would say that both of my brothers are better writers than I could ever be. I can get better with practice which is why I blog. It is also an easy way for my friends and family to keep up with me. Besides, it’s good to get stuff out.
Dad is great when I get in a pinch, when it comes to papers for school. I used to hate it when I was growing up but I would always ask him for help and then it would end up with me getting frustrated and stomping off because he changed what I wanted to say or so I thought. I think I am over that now. Oh, did I tell you that he is an English teacher by trade?
He stayed with me when Mom had to go back, to Kansas City, for work, after Shawn died. He went to the funeral with me and I think he ‘gets’ how I feel. Dad is just, well I don’t know how to explain it, he just gets it and I am glad.
I have a picture, of my Dad, that sits on my entertainemnt center. It will be forever how I remember him. It was taken on a Sunday morning when we lived in the house on Kingston. If I had to guess it would have been the late 70's or early 80's, before I went to college. He's reading the comics and all you can see of him is from his eyes up, the rest of his face is covered by the paper. That is my Dad.
My parents have been married for 41 years come this June. To me, that is a legacy. They are the perfect pair and don't ever let them be on the same Trivial Persuit team. You'll never get a turn!
I appreciate them very much and glad that I have the parents I have. It’s not something a child gets to choose, who their parents are but I am sure, if I had to pick, I would have picked them.
In the middle of last night, I woke up with a start because I was dreaming about being choked or choking. I am not sure on what or by whom. So this morning, I looked it up on the internet to see what it means. This is what I found:
Choking
To dream that you are choking on an object, suggests that you may find some advice/remarks/situation hard to swallow or difficult to accept. In particular, if you are choking on food, then it may be an expression of self-guilt and un-nurtured feelings.
To dream that someone is choking you indicates that you are suppressing your emotions or that you may have difficulties in expressing your fears, anger, or love. Consider the phrase "being all choked up". Alternatively, you may feel that you are being prevented or restricted from freely expressing yourself.
To dream that you are choking someone signifies feelings of aggression. You may also be trying to prevent something from being said or revealed.
Choking dreams are often a fearful experience and it is not uncommon for dreamers to awaken from them.
It’s a little disconcerting that the two times I have looked up to see what a dream meant it has been pretty much right on the money. Who thinks up this stuff?
I guess the counseling session today had a greater impact on me than I thought. While I was talking to my Mom on the phone earlier this evening, I started to cry. The kind of crying when no sounds come out and you can hardly breathe. When you do get a breath all you can do is to continue you to cry.
I was struck by the irrationality of making a long distance phone call to do nothing but cry. Crying is not the only thing I did but when Mom offered to pay for my class this summer because of a financial situation that may turn south on me, it started. The dreaded tears began to flow. I am not very proud of myself and I feel like I am one step above being a loser. I know I am not a loser and I will learn from my mistakes, as I always try to do. However, it does nothing for the feeling that I have disappointed my mother once again.
At what point do I become an adult? At what point do I truly stand on my own two feet? At what point do I take responsibility for myself and not rely on my parents for advice, for financial backing, for whatever else it is that I should be able to do on my own.
She said that I did too much today. She was right as usual and you can tell her that if you want. My Mother is often right and I hope to be at least half the woman she is when I grow up. She has always been there for me. She may have been mad as hell at the time but she's never given up on me.
I do not know where she gets her strength or how she knows the right thing to say at the right time but she always does. Is that something they teach in Mom school? I don’t think so, I just think that she is a remarkable woman and I hope that she knows how much I love her and appreciate her.
As I am typing this the water works have started to flow again. How much can one person cry? I guess I am trying to find out.
I miss Shawn terribly and I am not sure people understand how special he was to me. I was hoping to get another chance with him. A chance to have the life I always dreamt of and I am afraid that that dream died with him.
I want to pick up the phone and call him. I want to cook dinner for him again. I want him to sit on my couch and watch movies with me. I want to go bowling with him. I want him to teach me to play golf. I want to go play putt putt golf with him. I want to do all the things that we planned to do. I want him to be here because I need him like I never thought I would need someone. I want him to tell me everything will be okay and that I don’t have to worry because he will take care of me. I just want him back.
I can’t believe how much this hurts. I have the biggest hole in my heart. I know that time heals all wounds. In time this won’t hurt, as much. It can’t pass fast enough for me right now and yet I want to rewind it. 10 years or 15 days, I would take either.
My head knows that there was nothing I could have done or done differently. My head knows that I was the best friend to him that I could have been. My head knows that he is in a good place, the best place, in God’s glory. My head knows that he is no longer in pain and that he has the peace the he so desperately sought while he was on this Earth.
Now, will someone please tell my heart?
I took the day off from work today. No, not because I had anything fun to do but I did get a little time to myself in the middle of the day.
The morning started with a mammogram and then off to see my GYN for that annual exam I haven’t had in about two years. Both indicated that there didn’t seem to be any problems. This is good news because I had the second of two biopsies a year ago. I have even lost another half pound.
I then went to the mall to burn some time before my next appointment with the head shrink. This was not a good thing because I ended up partaking of a little retail therapy. Nothing too damaging but I did something that I never thought that I would do again.
I got my left ear pierced again. Just the one so I have two holes on the left side and one on the right (for those of you that have had a day like I have had and are trying to figure it out). I guess I did it because that is not something a 40 year old would do normally?
I mean come one, when I was in college I had three on the left and two on the right. That is until I graduated and after a discussion at the breakfast table with my Dad, my Mom who was silently reading the newspaper said, without ever looking up, “I noticed”. They came out that day and I have had only the original piercing that I got in the seventh grade since.
Oh, I might mention for my 38th birthday, I got a tattoo. Mainly because everyone, you know doctors, nurses, professional people and even friends said “You’re at that age”. So in proving that I was not “that age” I got a tattoo. It’s on my right hip and it is the size of a quarter and it is a smiling and winking sun. This was because a dear friend of mine used to call me ‘Little Mary Sunshine’. The friend that was with me when I got it said that it suited my personality. I didn’t do anything really for my 39th.
At any rate, I then went to Barnes and Noble to slurp on an Iced Carmel Macchiato and to peruse the books. I happened to find my ex-boyfriend there. No, no, no, not a bad thing. We are still friends. We've always been better friends than anything else. I digress. I found him there trying to escape his sister’s wrath…that is a whole other post. So we had coffee together and talked about “Stranger in a Strange Land” and “Swan Song” both books recommended by a fellow blogger. I decided not to buy them but to barrow them from the library.
We then went across the street and tried on frames at the Eye Mart Express. It's like Pearl Vision but local. He didn’t like anything I liked on him and I didn’t like anything he liked but it killed some time. I did however find a really killer pair of glasses and if I had had the money and a weaker prescription, I so would have bought them. It’s that “Not a 40 year old thing” again.
Anyway, it was time to head to the shrink. I got there a half hour early, like they asked, filled out the paperwork and waited another 45 minutes for the counselor. I saw several walk by and there was this one, in a flowered jacket and I secretly wished, “Oh, I hope that’s her”.
It was. We spent the next hour listening to me cry and talk and cry and say most things that I have said here. They sounded so different out loud. I confessed that the day after Shawn’s death, my evil twin had said to myself “The first time I am alone…” Now, before you all go and get worried about me, it was a gut reaction. There is no way after feeling how bad this hurts and how permanent it is would I ever do anything like that to the ones that I love. It leaves such a big hole. Besides, my mother would kill me.
I just thought it important to put all the feelings out there. It is important to be honest with the counselor and myself and now you. I told someone recently that my life is an open book. I will tell you anything about me that you want to know. Some things though you have to be a little closer for me to tell and there are some things that you have to be closer still for me to tell. I guess what I am saying is if you put all my friends and acquaintances in one room, they could put my life together…that is from the outside.
After the appointment with the shrink, I headed toward the library. The branch where I live is not very large and didn’t have either of the books I mentioned above, but I was able to order them from another branch. They should arrive soon. I actually only ordered one (Strange Land), so that I could actually read it before I have to give it back. I checked out another book in the mean time. I plan to start reading it tonight since there is such high quality TV on Monday night.
I have had a long and emotional day. My shoulders are so tight and drawn up I am sure that I have no neck. My ear hurts a little but I guess it would since I did put another hole into it. I hear the bath tub calling and the dogs are bugging me to go out and bark at the thunder. We have a storm heading in. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come.
When I'm Gone
There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...
Maybe I'm just blind...
[chorus]
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
[end chorus]
Love me when I'm gone...
When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
[chorus]
Maybe I'm just blind...
[chorus]
Love me when I'm gone...
Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
I've added a comment function. Well, actually my brother did it for me. He came up to help me move some of the heavier furniture I have so I could paint my living room.
I'm not sure if I like the change, in the living room. I think it's going to have to grow on me.
Last night, as I was about to get into bed, my phone rang. Since the caller id showed ‘Unknown’ I didn’t answer it. I however did check the voice mail when my phone chirped its funkadelic melody indicating I had a message.
It turns out it was my aunt. Her name is Teresa, but we all call her Sessie. She was christened Sessie when I was learning to talk and I couldn’t say Teresa. I didn’t even know her name was Teresa until I was 7 or 8 because we always just called her Sessie. Much the same way we call my youngest brother Uncle Bubby instead of Joe.
At first, when I called her back, I had had trouble hearing her on my cell phone (I have been totally wireless for about a year now) so I went out back and sat in the cool night air, where my cell phone works quite well. Usually, the only time I go back there is to holler at one of the dogs to come in or sometimes Sam will refuse to go out there without me. It is also nice on the 4th of July, when I can see the fireworks at the high school stadium.
Sessie had talked to my mom, who had told her the tragic news, about my friend. She called to see how I was doing. We ended up talking for an hour and twenty minutes. I only have two hours of talk time on my phone and we definitely put that to the test. Good thing my phone was fully charged.
We talked about all sorts of things but mainly she let me talk about Shawn. We laughed, cried, giggled and sobbed. It was good to talk to her. It was a good ‘girl’ talk. She wasn’t judgmental and even gave me some insight into her thoughts on heaven and God and signs.
Signs are funny things. They are something I definitely believe in. Not the burning bush kind of signs. Something more subtle, the kind of signs that mean something only to you. The more skeptical would call them coincidences. I prefer to think there is a higher justification for them.
It was interesting to me that my aunt asks for specific things. For example, if she asks for a flower as a sign of something. In this instance, she was given a plant and the plant bloomed by the specified time.
I tend to ask for more general signs or for God to show me something. Like when I prayed to have the ex-boyfriend’s true nature revealed to me. Boy oh boy was it ever. And I guess you could say it was always there and I just choose to see it but I prefer to think that someone lifted the rose colored glasses.
Turns out either way the signs seem to be granted, when appropriate. Usually, when I ask for a sign I make sure to ask God to add a big flashing neon marker so that I don’t miss it. It doesn’t always work but I guess sometimes its not suppose to.
I mentioned in an earlier post (See Feb, 22) about the little black book given to me at the beginning of Lent. Granted, I have not read it since Shawn’s passing but I still carry it with me. I will catch up with it eventually, but not right now. There was a question at the beginning of the book that has nagged at me for four weeks. As I got off the phone with my aunt, it rang in my head again. The question was “Am I becoming the person you [God] created me to be?”
It’s something to think about.
With so many friends having babies soon, I decided to look up what Shawn's name meant. This is what I found:
Of Celtic origin and means God's grace.
Then I looked up my name:
Of Hebrew origin and means bitter.
It was not what I expected.
Ahh, some normalcy.
Well I have some very good news. I have lost 5 count them 5 pounds since my last weigh in. That means (drum roll please) I only have 1.5 pounds left to reach my goal of 15 pounds by April 13 and I still have 19 days to go.
I think I am going to start doing the dreaded weight in on Thursday mornings now, for a couple of reasons. First, Thursday is TV night...Survivor, Tru Calling (tape it), CSI, The Apprentice (tape this one too) and of course my beloved ER (only 5 episodes missed in 10 years). I eat during TV night...popcorn mainly but I am always snacking on something, sometimes healthy, sometimes not. I don't want to feel guilty anymore about it looking at Friday's weight in.
Secondly, the weekend truly starts on Friday. I reserve the weekends for screwups on my diet so if I am going to do this I need to weigh in on Thursdays. At least this way, if I do gain some back...I can feel bad about it on Thursday and not Friday.
Anyway, I am pleased with myself.
The chorus is the only part that I find appropriate for how I feel. It would have been more appropriate if I had thought of it last week.
For the most part, I am okay. maybe a little on the good side of okay. I am even a little surprised by my mood today. I am still a little afraid that I haven't hit bottom and it's gonna reach around a bitch slap me, when I least expect it. I am still not sleeping well and my appetite seems to continue to allude me but I am sure it will find me again soon.
I am not sure how long I will mourn my friend. Probably a life time but I am trying to find/be myself again. The fog is starting to lift and I know that I am going to be okay.
(Chorus For my broken heart)
Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep
Then I cried myself to sleep
So sure life wouldn't go on without you
But oh this sun is blinding me
As it wakes me from the dark
I guess the world didn't stop
For my broken heart
(Jana Stanfield, Craig Morris)
If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away
If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known
--sung by Reba McEntire
I am at home now and on the uphill swing of two muscle relaxers so if I ramble on a bit or have repeated myself with stuff from before …it’s the drugs.
It was about this time last week when I got a call from Shawn’s brother saying that he was missing. They had found his car and wallet but no keys. My first thought and hope is that he had gone for a walk. It was too late for a walk but there was always hope.
I lay down in my bed and prayed like I have prayed only one other time in my life. I made deals with God. It was too late. At approximately 9:45 a police officer called me to tell me that Shawn was gone and that he had shot himself. The offer said that I was not to come to the residence. There was nothing I could do. I hadn’t planned on going but understood what he meant.
Today, I went to visit his graveside. Well, actually he is in the mausoleum around the corner from where his parents are buried. He is on the top row and third from the left. Even if they provide a vase, I can’t reach it to put flowers in it.
I found a basket that had been turned over. I straightened it and found the card lying underneath. It was for Shawn’s funeral. It obviously arrived after the service. It had snap dragons and a yellow button looking flower in it. There wasn’t much left but I straightened it up anyway and put the card back in the arrangement.
I tucked the three wrapped roses behind the basket of flowers. Three white roses that I had purchased at Wal-mart for ½ price. Shawn would have been gotten a kick out of the fact that I bargain shopped the flowers. It was actually by accident. I had to get trash bags and saw the roses on sale. I was just going to get a bouquet of mixed flowers.
I only had about 15 minutes to talk to him before they closed the gate. I asked him if he missed me as much as I miss him. I asked him if he was sorry for what he did. I told him about things at work and the movies that I saw this weekend. I told him the joke I had made in Blockbuster about giving up ‘The Sopranos’ for lent.
I think I would have kissed the stone cover if I had been able to reach it. I told him that I was sorry that I hadn’t told him how I felt and that I didn’t get why he did why he did. I told him that I regretted choosing the ex-husband over him and that if I could live it again; I would have done that different. He had asked me if there was anything I would do different on the night of his birthday and I was too afraid to answer. I actually didn’t answer because I thought that he just wanted a friend and this time I wasn’t going to push.
I know that nothing I could have done or said would have made any different. A good friend of mine that lives out of the country wrote me a very touching e-mail today. I will cherish her words forever. I have also discovered a couple of new friends who whether by choice or by chance have read my blog. For them I am also Thankful.
People’s reactions to this have been so different. Most have been very kind and have been afraid of the cliché’s. There have been lots of apologies, the majority have been sincere. I sometimes wonder if I am telling people for the sympathy, to see their reactions or to convince myself that it really did happen. I think it is mostly the latter.
I have never been one to be very secretive about my life. It is an open book. Ask me and I will probably tell you anything you want to know. There are only a few secrets which I hold dear and those I will tell if you get close enough.
I know one thing this whole experience has taught me and that is not to be afraid. I have been afraid far too long. I’m afraid to take the next step. Follow through on dream, big or small. I always do what is safe. I am not sure I can put into words what I mean but I am going to start taking more chances and have a little more faith in myself.
Well I am feeling quite liquid now and I am afraid that if I don’t get off of here the bed will come find me. So I better close for now. Thanks again to all my friends new and old who are watching out and praying for me. I appreciate it and need all the help I can get.
Someone asked me if this was the first friend I had ever lost...it is.
I lost all my grandparents when I was in highschool and college but they had lived full lives.
Earlier this year I lost one of the teachers who made a huge difference in my life. He died of a brain tumor. I had not seen him for many years.
This is the first time I have ever lost a friend who was this close to me.
I don't want to ever have to feel this way again. I think the pain would be different if it had been an accident or an illness. But it wasn't. Shawn chose to take his own life. He has left me behind and several others that loved and cared for him.
I will kick his ass when I get to heaven.
It’s been one week today. Today so far has not been bad but its only 8:30. I have several things I need to do today and I hope that I can get through it without to much drama.
I actually slept last night. A restful sleep and not too drug enduced. I am not sure what caused me to relax except pure exhaustion. I woke up in a relatively decent mood. And Molly actually used her foot stool to get on the bed for the first time.
When I purchased my new bed its about five inches taller than my other and she has trouble jumping on it. So I purchsed a foot stool for her to use. She had refused to use it until this morning. Yay for Molly. It was terribly cute.
Today is also my Mother’s birthday. I called her when I got to work to wish her a Happy Birthday. I forgot to give her the card I had for her when she was here. I mailed it yesterday. I told her that I would have Molly call her and sing Happy Birthday to her tonight.
Yes, I have a dog that likes to sing Happy Birthday. She does best on answering machines, okay over the phone but horrible with live performances. She also sings ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas' and 'If you’re happy and you know it wag your tail.'
I wanted to go out to Shawn’s graveside yesterday but the cemetery office closed at 2:30 and I have no idea where he is buried. I have a lot of things I need to tell him and although I have never believed that is where he is somehow talking to the ceiling is just not doing it for me. I will try to make it out there today.
The counselor I talked to last week told me to do normal things. I should have asked him what I do if the normal things involved Shawn? So sometimes I pretend he is still at his house and watching CNBC or reruns or ER. Other times I talk to the ceiling and ask if he is there. I still get no reply. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him.
It’s going to take a long time to get through this. I can’t say ‘get over it’ because I will never get over it. I have said ‘over it’ recently but as the mist of tears and clouds of despair clear I realize that I will never be over it.
I purchased a pendant on Sunday, after my parents left. It is an aquamarine heart (his birthstone), with a small diamond (my birthstone) above it. I don’t know if it was a ‘good’ thing to do but it makes me feel better knowing that this symbol of him is next to my heart and on the chain next to my cross that I wear quite often.
I have left a message for my parish priest because I have some theological questions that I need answered. My parents have assured me that Shawn is in heaven and it is not that I don’t believe them. It’s just after my friend tried to tell me that he wasn’t, I need to make sure he is. It is important to me to put my doubts to rest.
I imagine that I will still have some pretty rough days but so far today seems to be okay.
Tomorrow, it will be one week since Shawn left me. I know that he left others but he left me and this is about me, not them. I sent his family a letter telling them that I have scoured every memory and I cannot find anything that indicated that he would take himself from us.
I took 3 days off from work. Today was my first day back. I had 200 some odd e-mails and it has taken me from 7:30 – 2:00 to go through them. More than a few, thankfully, were read notifications. But its like no one did anything while I was gone. Frustrating.
There have been a few people who have come by my desk to see how I am doing. There was only one that I had to tell that I wanted to know. There was another whom I dropped the bomb on and I wasn’t nice about it. I hope he forgives me. Most have been respectful. I have only cried a couple of times.
I can’t listen to the radio, only sad, sappy or love songs are being played. I can’t watch T.V. because everything is about love or food and its like it is being blared at me like in some sick Satanist fashion. I go out to the mall or to Wal-Mart and they all are so damn chipper. I just was to scream at them that he is dead. How can they be so happy when he gone? Don’t they know that I am hurting? I am in the worse pain I have ever been in? If it just wasn’t so permanent.
I was really offended last night when I talked with a friend who suggested that Shawn was in a place other than heaven and stated that is what her mother had taught her to believe. I find it hard to believe that an all powerful, all loving, all forgiving God would refuse him admittance into heaven because he could not bear the demons that were plaguing him. Regardless of the fact of where he is or isn’t, I miss him. I catch myself reaching for the phone to tell him something or to see if he wants to come watch movies with me.
I wish I had told him how I felt. I wish I had leaned over and kissed him and cuddled up next to him while I had the chance. I was afraid of rejection but let me tell you, this is the ultimate rejection. Maybe it could have made a difference, maybe not.
My head knows that there is nothing I could have done differently. My head knows not to take this personally and I haven’t. All I know is that my heart is broken and my arms ache to hold him. Just one last time.
I imagine as time marches on, I will let go of some of the pain. I even managed to make a joke in the video store last night. I took that as a good sign. I’m just a little nervous about what is going to happen when the phone calls and the visits to see if I am okay will stop.
I know that this is going to take a long time to get over. I’m not looking forward to it. But sometimes in life we have to do what we don’t want to do. Right now it’s a day-to-day thing. Sometime, it’s hour to hour. I’m tired of things being taken away from me, the same friend who upset me last night said that she was tired of people taking from me and not giving back. I thought that was an interesting way of putting it.
Right now, it’s a chore to sleep, a chore to eat, and a chore to concentrate. However, I need to try to get some work done now that I have weeded through my e-mails. Maybe the stuff I am working on will make more sense. Maybe it will take my mind off of him.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
--Evanescence
Gone is the romance that was so divine.
'Tis broken and cannot be mended.
You must go your way,
And i must go mine.
But now that our love dreams have ended...
What'll i do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?
What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?
What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?
--Irving Berlin
I wonder when the urge to pick up the phone and call him will end.
I wonder when the urge to lay down next to him will end.
I wonder why he didn't take me with him.
I wonder if this pain will ever subside.
I wonder when I will quit asking the heavens "Are you there?"
I wonder what it will be like when they all leave and I am left here alone again.
It has been brought to my attention that there are several people who would like to leave comments on my blog. As soon as I get my head on straight, I will add this functionality. Until then, please be patient with me.
Thanks
I know I should probably say something prophetic but I am not sure as to what to say.
The casket was a dark green. I had to chuckle inside because it wasn't really his color. There were no flowers on the casket, only mine, the ones I placed after the funeral. There was a pack of trident gum wrapped in the flowers. He would have appreciated that. There was no wake nor open casket. My guess is that he did too much damage when he shot himself.
The service was short but not without tears. I did get to meet his brothers Tim and Don. Tim hugged me and told me if there was anything I needed to let him know and I offered the same to him. I think he knew that Shawn was special to me.
Afterwards, Dad and I went to eat. Not much was said. There was not much to say. We then went to Wal-mart and I bought two flats of pansies and a rose bush. The rose bush is for Shawn. It's a peace rose. For the peace that he could not find on this earth that I hope that he will find in heaven.
Part of me wants to lie down next to him and for it to be over. The other part, the survivor planted those two flats of flowers and the rose bush. I wonder when the urge to pick up the phone and call him will end. I wonder when things will seem normal again, as if anything in my life has ever been normal.
I can't tell you how much I miss him. I wish I had told him that I loved him, while he was still here. Maybe he already knew. He told me I was his angel, now, if God will let him, maybe he can be mine.
Today, I lay to rest my friend and my love. Every time I think the flood of tears has subsided, they well up again, unexpectedly. Whether it be from a memory of our past or one from the last few weeks. His presence is in my house and in my heart.
I have looked at the heavens a number of times and asked “Are you here?” I received no answer. I know that he will live on in my heart. But I can’t touch him there. I can’t see him there. I can only feel him.
My Dad made a remark last night that at least I am remembering the good times. You see we had nothing but good times. We always seemed to be able to find something to talk about. We could always make the other laugh. At some point I imagine I will try to preserve these memories but right now it's too painful. I am thankful that our last two months are chronicled here.
I know that there was nothing I could have done to change this yet there is nothing to stop me from thinking I could have. I know that the demons that possessed him ran much deeper then what he told me. I wish he had let me in. I know that he is now at peace. And for that I am greatful.
It will be strange at the funeral because, knowing Shawn, he told no one about our friendship. Even though I know it was I that spent the most time with him. I know this because he told me. I am not even sure if I will recognize his friends that I am sure I met a lifetime ago in college. I wish more than ever that I could turn back time even for just a few days. I want do overs.
I am not sure why God brought Shawn back into my life only to take him away again but I can tell you I am tired of things that I hold dear being taken away from me. He told me that I ws his angel. Maybe it was I who needed to be in Shawn’s life. That is one of the many mysteries that will never have an answer.
Shawn, I miss you terribly.
To CISCompGeek - thank you, you are more dear to me now than you will ever know.
Shawn Joseph Delary, better know to you as KC, took his own life on Tuesday March, 16, 2004. He is survived by his two brothers, one is named Tim. I don’t know the other.
I have no idea what demons plagued Shawn that convinced him that this was the only solution. What kept him from reaching out and leaving me and his loved ones with so many unanswered questions?
He had blonde hair and blue grey eyes.
He was much cuter with a beard than shaven. He had such a baby face.
He was short and a little round but it looked good on him.
He was shy.
He was balding.
He missed his Dad.
When ever we went out he wore a Reuter’s baseball cap probably because i said it suited him.
His favorite pizza was Canadian bacon and pineapple.
His favorite gum was Trident.
His favorite flavor was cinnimon.
When his hair gets too long it curls in the back.
He liked to take walk and ride bikes.
He loved movies. Only comedies and action adventure. Horror movies were out of the question.
He enjoyed playing golf.
He made me want to be a better person
I love him.
I never told him how I felt.
I went to see a counselor yesterday and he told me that this will be the worst broken heart I will ever have. I don’t doubt him.
Most of my questions start with ‘Why’. I will never know why. He did not leave a note and from all indications it was unplanned. He was suppose to come over to watch movies with me last night and had planned a golf game with his best friend for Friday.
I am swinging between emotions. This didn’t happen it’s such a cruel joke to being mad at him for leaving me. I knew he was going to leave me, I just didn’t know that it would be so permanent.
I do not know if this is an appropriate place for this but it is truly my only outlet at the moment. Every time I open my mouth I hear someone tell me he is in a better place. I disagree; the best place would be here with me. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change this. I have never felt so helpless in all my life.
I hear people apologize and offer condolences. You can tell those who are sincere and those who don’t know what to say. Just say a prayer for those who are left behind and for his soul so that it may reach heaven.
I can’t imagine how desperate he had to be, at that second, to take his own life. I will never forget the phone call from the officer informing me that he was dead. I had to call him back to make sure that he had told me what he had told me and that it wasn’t a joke or cruel dream.
The last two days have been a blur as I imagine the remainder of the week will be. The strongest feeling I have right now is the desperate need to see him. That will come soon enough. I don’t have any details on the funeral. I do know that Tim will make the arrangements today and then let me know when the funeral will be.
I will never forget him. I miss him terribly. Everywhere I look, there is a memory waiting to wash over me. I know that he will always be a part of me. I just want him back here with me. I guess the truest testament to him is that I love him.
One thing that turning 40, soul searching with this blog and the long conversations with KC has done for me is it has made me take a long look at my new career choice. I think I have said before that if you don’t take the time to revisit your long-term goals that you will lose sight of the end.
I have gone back to the Pharmacy vs. Nursing debate. It has come down to this…I know that I can get into nursing school but I am not so sure about Pharmacy school. Am I selling myself short by not attempting to try Pharmacy school?
The first thing that comes to mind is money. Pharmacists make a heck of a lot more money than nurses do. But with me, it has never been about the Benjamin’s. It’s about being happy. I have never been motivated by money. Its nice to have but its not the driving force in my life. I am still not sure if this is a good point or bad.
The second thing that comes to mind is time. Obviously, it will take me more time to get my prereqs done for Pharmacy school and it involves more math. Yuck. I have 8 classes that I need to take for Pharmacy and only 4 for Nursing, 3 of those over lap. Meaning there are 3 classes that I have to take for Pharmacy that I also have to take for Nursing.
Next it’s the hour of work involved. I know that I will have to pay my dues in either profession regardless of what I do and where I start. It’s just how it has always worked in my mind. I might get stuck with midnights, weekend and holidays if I do nursing. The chances are less likely if I am a pharmacist. Then again, I have never been afraid of hard work. So I guess this isn’t really a consideration for me.
Lastly, it comes back to money. I won’t be able to get student loans for the prereqs because a) I am not full time and b) I already have a degree. However, once I get accepted to Pharmacy or nursing school I will have no trouble mortgaging my butt for my new career. If I go Pharmacy I have a better chance of it being easier to pay back what I have barrowed.
Hmmm, for now, I think that I will take the Anatomy class this summer and then by the time I survive the summer semester maybe I will have a better understanding of where my life should go. It is one of those classes that I have to take regardless of which path I choose. I also think a visit to the advisors is in order again. I know that would help.
(PS. we are now on hour 4 of 'Kung Fu Fighting')
Or should I say 10.5 hours of sleep? I slept last night for the first time in probably 4 days. I mean I really really slept!
I went home last night in a very dark mood. I wanted to lie down but some how convinced myself to take the dogs for a walk. We walked down to the Elementary school and back. I didn’t go to the pond for one reason…mud! It took us a little over a half hour. I am sure that we didn’t walk all that far but it took a while for Sam and Molly to check messages…if you know what I mean.
When I got home, I cried. I finished off the homemade pizza that I had made the night before then cried some more. Man, you think I would have been dehydrated from the shear amount of crying I have done over the last 4 days.
I found ‘White Oleander’ playing on HBO. It is a horribly depressing movie and I decided that life wasn’t so bad. It definitely could be worse. I snuggled in to watch the remainder of it and loved on the pups.
I had forgotten to check the TV guide on-line, at work, to see what was in store for primetime. So I flipped it over to channel 2 to see the scrolling directory. The only thing that caught my eye, at 7:00, was ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’ on Fx.
I flipped it over and started watching it. Next thing I know its 8:30 and I have woken up just in time to see my favorite part of the movie. It’s where Ben takes Sarah to the campus theater and she plays dress-up while ‘Brown eyed Girl’ plays over the scene. I am of course a brown-eyed girl and it is one of my favorite songs.
I have no idea what the dogs have been doing while I took my after dinner nap. I let them out and Sam decided that it was time for bed. I thought that was a tremendous idea, locked up and followed him into the bedroom. I kenneled them, wished them sweet dreams and got ready for bed myself.
Once in bed, I turned on the tube to see what I could find. CSI Miami was a rerun and I was pretty sure that I had seen it but I left it on for noise. I set the sleep timer for 20 minutes. I don’t think it took me more than a few minutes to fall asleep. I don’t remember anything until the alarm went off this morning.
While in the shower, somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain I heard a sound. I couldn’t quite make it out so I told all the other voices to hush. Yup, there it was…’Kung Fu Fighting’. Now where in the heck do you suppose that came from? I have had the first two lines of ‘Kung Fu Fighting’ running thru my head for about 2 hours now. Ugh! Trust me, I would rather have to deal with the kung fu than the tears. I’ll take two one for now and one for the road.
I hope this is going to be a good day.
I woke up yesterday morning with the feeling that I had done something wrong. I still have it. I have been staring at a blank “Statement of Business Requirements” template for almost an hour. I want ice cream.
In an effort to ‘run’ from my feeling that I had disappointed someone, I went to Stillwater to see my brother yesterday. Actually, I had planned to go see him to say good-bye to Barron, his dog. I just didn’t know that I needed to go see him. It didn’t help the feeling of dread but I was able to say good-bye to the Bear. Poor guy. It broke my heart to see him like that. I wish I could fix him.
We, Bubby,his wife and I, went to Eskimo Joe’s for lunch and all I could think about was KC. We met at OSU. Our first date was at Eskimo Joe’s. There were a lot of other memories floating around Joe’s. I was surprised that they were there. They were a little dusty but vibrant nonetheless. They made me miss that time in my life. I found a really cool pink T-shirt at Joe’s clothes. I didn’t buy it. But the food was good. I shouldn’t have had the greasy fries but I did. They tasted good but didn’t set too well with me later.
I feel like I am all over the radar today. For the most part I am okay but I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat, again. My eyes are tearing up as I write. This is just insane. How do you shut it off? How do you make the voices shut up? I feel like I am trapped in someplace that resembles the real world but is truly between Hell and well some place that is most certainly not Heaven. I know! It’s my evil twin! Bad girl! You can just go right back to where you came from!
After all that time of trying to get off the anxiety meds, I think I am going have to go back on them, at least at half dose. I can’t do this. I don’t like the way I feel. I am not sad, even though I am crying…a lot… but I am not happy either. Nothing is ‘right’. I can’t sleep and when I do I don’t think I am resting. I didn’t get to sleep in this weekend but that was by choice rather than by design.
I am frustrated with KC. I really want to ask him why he kissed me last week but then again I don’t really want to start anything. What if that freaks him out? As it turned out, I really had nothing to worry about. I was, as I have mentioned before, putting the cart before the horse. Oh and I do that so well. For once, I would like to get it in the right order so I can get the heck out of here wherever here is.
I think the fact that I am turning 40 in a few precious days (19 to be exact) has really gotten the better of me. I also realize that the anticipation of that day is what is killing me. I realize that I am going to wake up on my birthday and feel just like I did the day before and the day before that. I don’t feel old but I don’t want to turn 40. There are so many things I want to do and I am certainly not where I thought that I would be when I turned 40.
I also think that I really like KC…like you don’t already know that. But what do I do? How do I act? I know, just be myself but I am not sure who that is. I wish someone could tell me how this was going to end so I knew what to do in the mean time. As it is, its already too late because no matter what happens, its gonna hurt. He is going to find a job, move away and forget about me all while I am helping him do it. (I have sent his resume to friends in all corners of the Earth.)
I really just want to be happy. I really do like where I am right now in my life. If something fantastic happens I can pick up and leave if I want to…or not. It’s my choice. I am free to do what ever I want to do. It’s almost like 40 is a chance to start over. Do you know what I mean? It’s like when your car rolls over 100,000 miles and you want to see how far you can take it. It’s about reaching milestones and then looking forward to the next one.
If only I could stop crying!!! It’s really starting to get on my nerves. First of all, it’s not like me. I mean I cry at movies and such but I don’t cry at nothing. Which is what I have been doing for the last 3 weeks. I think going back on the meds is a good move. I hate being needy. That is the way I feel…needy. I would like someone to take care of me for a change. How nice would that be? Oh I know there is a distinct possibility that I would hate it but I would like the chance to find out.
Anyway, I am tired of rambling. My head hurts too. Thank goodness it is not a migraine. I feel like I am beginning to sound like a broken record. And, it stands to reason, if I can’t live with myself, at the moment, who else could?
Ok, stop the world I want to get off…
I received this survey from a friend so I decided to post it here, since I have gone to all the trouble of answering the 50 questions. Hope you learn something new about me. Oh and feel free to copy it and send it back to me! I would love to here from you!
1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?
They are white with a fruit design along the edge.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
The Road Less Traveled
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
No mouse pad, Have a mouse with a tracking ball.
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Trivial pursuit, of course.
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINES?
People, Good Housekeeping, Family Circle, and Red Book.
6. FAVORITE SMELL
My dogs when they come back from the groomer's.
7. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?
"What time is it?"
8. FAVORITE COLOR?
Purple!
9. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?
Hmmm, don't know that I have a least favorite.
10. HOW MANY RINGS DOES IT TAKE BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
Two, way too many years of customer service training.
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
For a girl: Avery Rose or Riley Marie
For a boy: All I know is the middle name (maybe the first) will be Joseph for my father
12. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
To laugh often and love much.
13. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Can't I have both?
14. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
Yes. Enough said.
15. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Um...yes.
16. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?
Scary. Especially at night unless of course I have the pleasure of sleeping through it.
17. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
A blue Chevy Chevette.
18. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE?
You know when ever I get this question, I think that I should say Jesus, but I am going to meet him at some point so I would like to say Kathryn or Audrey Hepburn
19. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
Tequila
20. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am an Aries, April 6
21. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Yes
22. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Marine Biologist
23. YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Dark Brown with cinnamon highlights and a touch of gray.
24. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
I think so... I'm pretty sure... yes.
25. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Ohhh there are so many...right now I would say 'Kate and Leopold'.
26. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
Yes, You should see what happens when I don't look before I type!
27. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Sometimes there is a Sam Cody under there but most times it's just the dust bunnies.
29. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Baseball, if I am forced to watch it on the TV. I would much rather be at the game. I also like watching the cheerleading competitions... What?
30. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR?
That I am going to grow old alone. Yeah, that is probably the single biggest. I have lots of others that make no sense at all! :o)
31. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS?
They have a big heart and they are not afraid to show it. They are a blessing in my life.
32. FAVORITE CD?
James Taylor's Greatest Hits
35. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
ER, I've only missed 5 episodes in 10 years. Is that sick or what? No pun intended! Ok, maybe a little.
36. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD?
Mustard then Catsup. People give me a hard time for making smiley faces on my food. It makes the food happy! You should try it sometime...it's kind of liberating and the kids love it!
37. HAMBURGERS OR HOT-DOGS?
Hamburgers
38. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK
Diet Coke with the caffeine
39. BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?
I have two:
--On the deck of a cruise ship, in the middle of an ocean, with no one else around and the sun coming up.
--In the arms of someone that I love. This one has been MIA for a while.
49. PJs OR NIGHTGOWN?
I like and have both, it depends on my mood.
50. FAVORITE COMIC STRIP?
Calvin and Hobbes, The Far Side, Garfield and Peanuts. Please don't make me choose one!
I don't think the date of this suspected Al Qaeda incident was a coincidence.
There is only a six month difference between September 11th and March 11th.
Our hearts will continue to remember and our prayers are with those in Madrid.
Since I mentioned negative calorie foods, I thought that I would provide a list of other foods that fall into the category. Remember that these fruits and vegetables have negative calories in their natural state. Meaning, if you slather a carrot with dressing or cook it in butter, it loses the 'negative calorie' charm. However, I am almost sure that carrots slathered in ranch dressing is still better for you than cheetos.
Vegetables
Asparagus
Beet
Broccoli
Green Cabbage
Carrot
Cauliflower
Celeriac also know as celery root
Celery
Chicory
Chili Peppers
Cucumber
Dandelion
Endive
Garden Cress
Garlic
Green Beans
Lettuce
Onion
Papaya
Radishes
Spinach
Turnip
Zucchini
Fruits
Apple
Blueberry
Cantaloupe
Cranberry
Grapefruit
Honey Dew Melon
Lemon
Mango
Lime
Orange
Peach
Pineapple
Rasberry
Strawberry
Watermelon
Finally! After two weeks of the scale not moving I have good news to report. I lost another pound! That makes a total of 9.5 lbs! Yea for me!
I am only 5.5 lbs and 32 days (4.57 weeks) away from my goal.
Cucumbers. Yup, cucumbers are the reason. I talked with a fellow dieter who is on Weight Watchers and has lost 35 lbs since last May. She said that she would fill up on cucumbers before a meal and eat them as a snack. You see cucumbers have negative calories. I had forgotten this neat little fact.
How is that possible? Glad you asked. It takes more calories to digest a cucumber than is actually in them. It's so cool. So everyday this past week I have had a cucumber, for a snack, before lunch. I then I have carrots for my afternoon snack. Wouldn't it figure that they have recently gone up in price. It's a conspiracy I tell you!
Anyway, I am happy with my weight loss and I hope doc will cut me some slack if I don't quite make it to the 15lbs. I can tell you one thing though, I am going to ask her for another goal. I just hope it is as affective as this one was.
Happy Friday!
A mild-mannered man was reading a book on being self-assertive and decided to start at home. So he stormed into his house, pointed a finger in his wife's face, and said, "From now on I'm boss around here and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal and draw my bath. Then, when I've eaten and finished my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair."
"The mortician," replied his wife.
Anonymous co-worker..."I don't understand why there are just black performers at the NAACP Image awards?"
Ummm, maybe because NAACP stands for National Association for the Advancement of Colored People?
I picked KC up at 5:00 as planned. We went to Bourbon Street to eat. I had to laugh because I told him that he had been talking about the restaurant the week before and he told me that he had been talking about Bourbon Chicken. Leave it to me to get it confused. Anyway, dinner was good. I had the salmon and he had some pasta dish. We talked all through dinner.
I had to go to the ladies room. I arrived back at the table just before KC could pay for dinner. I pretended that I was mad and took the check away from him. He never lets me pay for dinner so I made it a point to pay tonight because it was his birthday.
As we waited for the waitress to come back with my card, I gave him his birthday card. It was one of those ones that have jokes inside and you have to lift up the question to see the answer….well it was a golf one and it had 18 jokes so he had to lift open 18 little pieces of paper to see the answers. I was cracking up by the time he got to the 10th one.
Then I gave him the gift certificates. I thought that it was a pretty good gift but boy was I in trouble. He was mad because I spent too much money. I mean he was really mad at me. I tried to laugh it off but no go. I apologized and told him it was too bad that he couldn’t return it. I told him that he could pay at the next place if it would make him feel better. He said it would.
All the way to Magoo’s I could tell he was still mad. I told him that I is the way I am and he would have to just get over it. I would have done it for any of my other friends so tough shit. He could get glad in the same pants he got mad in. I shouldn’t say he was mad, just that I was in trouble. If you know what I mean.
We went to Magoo’s and I let him pay. I kept asking if I was still in trouble and he would answer yes every time. I would just laugh. He kicked my ass in pool. I lost count after 3 games. He decided that he had had enough of torturing me (I didn’t win one game) so we made our way to the front. We sat and talked for almost two hours. We talked about everything and nothing.
In the course of the conversation he told me that he thought of me as his guardian angel. I told him not to put me up too high because I didn’t want to have to live up to the reputation. I told him that I liked being married just not who I was married to. He told me about his father’s death. I told him about my wish to dance with someone other than my dogs. We really connected. I told him that this time he would be hard pressed to get rid of me because as I get older I hold my true friends dearer and that I counted him as one of those. He agreed.
I told him things about being married and he told me things about being unemployed. We talked about parents and brothers and pets and houses and about us. The old us. The ones that we were in college. He asked me if I would ever go back and I said only if I knew what I knew now. I told him that for the most part I didn’t want to have to live through the part of my life that I have already lived through. I didn’t tell him that I would have done us different.
When I took him home I leaned in for a hug and he kissed me. Not once, not twice but three times. Now, before you get all excited, it was more of a friendship peck than a kiss kiss. On my way home it occurred to me that I am not sure I am willing to give up our friendship for a relationship especially how it has turned out in the past.
Honestly, as much as I want a relationship…a real relationship with all the crap that comes with it and as much as I want someone to love, respect and trust me, which I have with him, I am not sure I want to jeopardize my friendship with him. For crying out loud! I can’t believe this is where I am standing.
What I really want to know is when the hell did this happen? I know I love him. I do. I would trust him with my life. I respect him and he respects me but am I willing to give him up as a friend to complicate things with a relationship?
I am not sure if the kisses were the results of 5 beers and the conversation we had and us kissing as friends or to the fact that he now wants more then just a friend. I can tell you I was very shocked and I did not expect it after the conversation we had. I realize that once again I may be putting the cart before the horse, as I tend to do. I also realize that I am really going to have to think this one through. I guess I can wait to see what he does when he comes over Friday.
Oh and get this, we are going to spend our first full weekend together. He is coming over Friday night for a movie. Saturday we are going to the Home and Garden show. He is in for a real treat because I know that he has never seen me at one of these things. I never spend any money but boy do I like to look and ask questions and such. Dare I say it? It’s such a married thing to do.
Then on Sunday he will come over in the afternoon to help me build my first fire in the fireplace. Sunday is supposed to be icky and since I am having the chimney cleaned Saturday then I wan to light the first/last fire of the season. Kind of christen it. I know absolutely nothing about fireplaces so he is going to come over and show me.
Maybe I am just scared. Maybe I don’t want to lose a friend. I know I don’t want to lose a friend but we have done this before and it never worked out. I know that the third time is the charm and that if I could go back I would have waited for him instead of marrying the King of all Idiots (I once saw this bumper sticker that read “All men are idiots and I married their king”). I know if I had waited for him ten years ago I would now have a mini-van, a dog, a house with a picket fence and the 2.3 kids. Ok I realize that the only thing missing from my life now is the mini-van, husband, the picket fence and the kids but you know what I mean.
Is it possible that I still have a chance to have kids and the life I want rather than the one I have created for myself? I don’t dare to think about it and I can’t believe that I have even written it down. Do I want to do this and loose a friend? What if it doesn’t work out?
Why can’t it work? I’ll tell you why because every time I have ever gotten anything in my life whether by choice or by fate, someone or something has taken it away from me and for some cosmic reason I feel I don’t deserve this. It’s safer to stay friends.
Anyway, a good time was had by all. I got a surprise and I think that I will just wait to see what will happen. Wish me luck!
I called KC at 9:30 this morning. I couldn’t wait any longer. He started to ask me what I was doing tonight. I laughed told him to hold on, I had a question for him. Then, I asked him if he had plans this evening…he didn’t. Now, I don’t know if I have told you that KC is shy and he doesn’t expect much from anyone. Which made this soooo easy…here is the rest of the conversation:
M- “Do you have plans for this evening?”
KC- “ No, I was wondering…”
M -“Good, now you do. Can you be ready by 5:00?”
KC- “Oh, you don’t have to come all the way out here. We can just go eat B.B.Q.”
M- “No, I have a whole plan. Can you be ready by 5?”
KC- “What are you getting me into?”
M-“Don’t worry, it’s not that much. I’ll have you home by 10:00.”
I wouldn’t tell him where we were going but you know. We are going to Bourbon Street on 15th and then to Magoo’s to play pool unless of course he wants to play putt-putt in Bixby, since the weather is suppose to be nice. I’ll give him the option at dinner.
I asked him if he thought that I forgot. He hesitated and said he wasn’t sure. Translated means, yes I thought oyu forgot. I laughed and said then my plan had work. Boy won’t he be surprised when I give him the gift certificate from Battle Creek Golf Course.
I just figured that it was the first birthday since his Dad died and that his other friends are guys and guys don’t normally think of things like this that I needed to at least make an effort. Milestones are going to be hard for a little while for him and his birthday is just the beginning.
Anyway, I let you know tomorrow how things go. I am really going to enjoy this. I like doing stuff like this. I imagine I will have to fight him for the check at dinner. I can guarantee you that I will win. I wouldn’t want to fight me! And I guess that I will have to let him win at pool since it is his birthday. Let him? Heck, I haven’t picked up a pool cue in about 3 years so we’ll see what happens.
To be continued….
~~~A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free market. A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim it's a free market. A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's a free market. We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico. We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh. We can purchase almost anything we want from many different countries BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian (Or Mexico) pharmacy. That's called un-American! And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby? Think again!--Author unknown
Not an original thought but none the less thought provoking.
His name is Logan and he is 3. He lives around the corner and I have to pass his house when I walk my dogs around our neighborhood pond.
He has a new cocker spaniel pup named Penny. She is the prettiest little copper Penny I have ever seen! She is probably about 10-12 weeks old. She has found her voice and has started barking at us when we walk by now.
I met Logan’s Mom yesterday and for the life of me can not remember her name. I think it was Lisa or maybe Laura. When I went to explain who we were, she said that Logan had told her all about us. How cute!
She said that Logan has started looking out the window everyday to see if we have come by. I thought that was so sweet. I explained to Logan that we would probably not walk every day but when we did, I would be sure to watch for him. I told him that if it is raining or cold then we would have to stay inside.
When I went by today, there Logan was, in the window furiously waiving at us. I waived back, said hi to Penny and proceeded to walk around the pond. By the time we finished the first round, Logan had found his way outside and he breathlessly told me that his Mom was pregnant! I asked him what he wanted a brother or a sister. He said “A brother, I already have a sister!” Nice to know some people in this world know what they want.
We chit chatted a little more about stuff important to 3 year olds and then Molly, Sam and I went off to finish our walk. As we rounded the corner for home, I found Logan again, in the window, furiously waving his arms so that I was sure to see him. He will never know how much he his eagerness to see me means. It’s nice to have someone waiting for me at the end of the day.
I told you last week about the boss entrusting 4 business cases to me to help out one of the project managers. Weeeelllll.....I over heard her, just moments ago, that she was just flying through her SoBRs (which stands for Statement of Business Requirements.)
If she is just flying through her SoBRs then why am I helping her??? Not that I am complaining about doing what my boss asked me to do. I am more than happy to help someone out especially since I have the time to do it. What I am upset about is the fact that someone ask for help and its not because she has soooo much work to do that she can't get it done, it's because she is lazy.
That just makes me mad.
Then to top it all off when I went to have a meeting with one of the other pm's about his SoBR, he proceed to tell me how the damn thing works, not what I needed to know. So now I am forced to bring another party into it so that I can understand the functuality of the product so that I can write the SoBR to get the enhancements done. Question: Why the heck is he not writing his own SoBR?
I really don't mind writing the SoBRs. I don't mind doing what my boss has asked me to do and I don't even mind doing it for the sr. manager (He's the one all the pm's belong too) who also works for my boss. It is just that if everybody spent as much time working as they do bitching about it then I wouldn't have to cover the slack for the slackers!
'Nough said....It back to work for me!
Birthday count down ...28 days
Cubs count down...27 days 1 hour and 44 minutes.
It has been 9 weeks since I started the decrease in my anti-anxiety medications. I am now as of Saturday off, of the medicine, all together. All I can say is so far so good. No great tragedies have surfaced. However, Tuesday night seems to have been the hardest in the past so there is still about 36 hours to go before I will be totally comfortable.
The only thing that I have noticed so far is that this morning, right before I left the house I had this horrible feeling that I was forgetting something or I had done something terribly wrong. The feeling kind of flip-flopped between the two. I ran through my morning checklist in my head and I couldn’t come up with anything. It happened again right after lunch. I had this terrible feeling that I had done something wrong. I can’t figure out what it is so it must be just the lack of the seratonin that the meds were providing.
On the flip side, I am sleeping much better. I believe that I am dreaming just not remembering the dreams. I have a vague recollection from Saturday night, of my teeth falling out at the slightest touch. I looked up on the Internet to see what that meant. Here is what I found, “One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you.”
Which makes sense since I have been trying to lose weight. I have also been hanging out with KC...a lot...and have worried that the reason he doesn’t want a girlfriend, exchange the word girlfriend for me, is because I am fat. (Hold up…for the most part I don’t think this any more but the insecurity is that one thing that never gets lost!)
So I guess I will ride this through without too much of a problem. The weather doesn’t hurt. It is absolutely gorgeous outside. I can’t wait to get home and take the pups for a walk. Won’t I just be the greatest Mom ever? Hey, I’ll take the brownie points anyway I can get them!
Would the vertict have been different if it had been Stewart Martha instead of Martha Stewart?
Take for example the flurry of bad guys from the early 2000s: Ken Lay (Enron), Bernie Ebbers (WorldCom), John Rogas (Adelphia), Bill Bartmann (CFS) and the myriad of other frauds and embezzlers that have been unearthed in the last few years. Have any of them been convicted, jailed or put on probation?
KC and I went out to dinner again tonight and rented a DVD. Our luck with movies lately has not been good. Everything I want to see is out and everything he wants to see I’ve seen.
I asked him before he left tonight if he was okay. He said he was. I guess it was something in the way I looked at him because he started to talk. I mean really talk and then he stopped himself. He said that I was helping and that he was glad I was not pushing. I smiled and leaned in to hug him. I thought that he was going to cry. It really ripped me up inside.
I guess I can’t even imagine what he is going through. He is unemployed (not by choice) and it's really eating him up that he has not found another job. He feels like he has lost the only family that he had left when his dad died. He has two older brothers but they are not close. He had told me once a long time ago that his family really started to fall apart when his mom died.
I can’t ever imagine being without my family. Family is so important to me. I guess I am really lucky that we are so close. If I have ever taken them for granted I am sorry. They have seen me through some pretty rough times. It makes me wonder if I have been there for them when they needed me. Yet, we know how to celebrate each other together and separately.
I am such a care giver that I sometimes forget to do for myself. I think that I am better at it since my divorce. I lost so much of myself when I was married that I had no idea who I was when I got divorced. There has been one other time in my life when I felt this way. I had to give myself over to what it was in order to survive what I had to do for the benefit of someone other than myself. Maybe some day I will tell you about it. Now is not the time.
In both instances I started with nothing and picked myself up piece by piece, not unlike a jig saw puzzle. If a certain part didn’t fit, I knew it and would have to readjust to find the place where it went. It was painful. I still think I have some extra pieces that I haven’t quite fit back into the puzzle.
I think that is what KC is going through now. If there is any advice I can give him, or anyone for that matter, it’s to embrace your feelings. Let your self feel. If you are angry, be ANGRY. If you are sad, feel sad. If you feel small, feel small. Just know when to reach out. There is a danger associated with embracing your feelings. You have to know your limits and if you need help, ask for it. I guess the best way to put it is to participate in your own healing.
I am thankful for who I am today. Yeah I get a little frustrated with myself and I am ruled by my emotions too much but then again if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t gone through the good and the bad things in my life. I am a strong, healthy vibrant person who can do anything she sets her mind to. Now, if I can only remember that the next time I feel like a failure.
I hope that KC finds his way. I told him tonight not to force things. That everything had a time and a place and things will work out the way that they are suppose too (I really need to remember to follow my own advice). I told him to call me if he needed me, I’m always around. We made tentative plans for Sunday.
I have purposely left his birthday, March 10th, off my calendar at home, with everyone elses on it. I have not mentioned anything about it to him because I want to surprise him. You know it is killing me to keep my mouth shut! I just hope his other friends don’t have plans for him that night too.
The plan is to call him about 10:00 to see if he is doing anything that evening. If not, then I am going to tell him to be ready by 5:30 but not tell him where we are going...because it’s a secret! Then I am going to take him to Bourbon Street for dinner and to play pool at Magoo’s.
Originally, I planned to kidnap him and take him to Stillwater, eat at Joe’s, the original scene of the crime, and just hang around campus. However, last weekend he said Bourbon Street and pool in almost the same sentence. Plans change.
I’ll let you know how it goes. I think that it's going to be fun and I know he will appreciate it. It is really nice to be appreciated for a change. And at this point, it doesn’t matter to me if we end up together, I have a friend and sometimes that is more important.
I just wanted to let you know that TR is going to be fine. They have her scheduled for a battery of tests to determine what happened. Please include her in your prayers.
Ugh! I didn't lose any weight this week either. Damn those girl scout cookies and my inability to stay out of them! I finally figured out how to shut them up though...put 'em in the freezer. That way when I want one I have to really think about it. Who wants a frozen cookie? Ok, yes I did by thin mints and they are way yummy right out of the freezer. I hang my head in shame.
At least I didn't gain. I didn't drink as much water this week but I did do more exercise. Just ask my quads...they are talking to me right now. Thank you Lord for NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-infamitory drugs...like Mortrin and Aleve).
I vow to stay out of the cookies, drink my water and exercise exercise exercise this next week and we'll see if we can't make a little more progress.
Ewwww! I am going out right after work to buy a new toothbrush!
Please note where Dr. Tom Glass is from.
About 90 minutes ago, one of my co-workers had a seizer.
I heard JL holler for someone to call 9-1-1. Was he joking? It seemed all too surreal. Then he said it again and called for Mary. I am not sure if he was talking to me or the other Mary on the floor but I got up and headed towards his voice. When I realized that it was JL who was yelling for help and he was lunging towards TR, I knew I needed to get in there.
TR was having a seizure. She was foaming a bit at her mouth so I had JL help me turn her on her side so that she would not choke on he vomit, spit or tongue. It was only after that he told me that she had hit her head. Then I looked to see if it was too late to get something in her mouth to keep her from biting her tongue...it was. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head. I waited for her to quit seizing
I have never felt so helpless. I don't know enough about her to be able to tell the EMTs what she is on, if she had ever had a seizure before. People were running all around me but my perception was that it was just TR and I. Someone went to get our admin, someone grabbed TR's cell phone, to call her husband, and another ran upstairs to see if the could locate her sister, who works here. Yet, it was still just TR and I lying on the floor.
When she came to, her pupils were fixed. This scared me. She was not responding to anyone speaking to her. It took about 45 seconds before she would even look around. Once she was able to look around she did not know who anyone was. Her pupils were still fixed.
Right before the EMTs showed up, it took them about 10 minutes. She was alert, she was starting to know who people were and her pupils were no longer fixed and were reactive. We told her that she had had a seizer. She didn't believe us.
The ENTs arrived. They asked her questions and hooked her up to monitors. At first her heart rate was 133 then it slowly began to drop. It was 88 when they unhooked the machine. I couldn't see what her BP was but it too was returning to normal. They were able to determine that she was fully aware. They wanted her to go with them to the hospital. Yet, she was coherent and not in a life threatening state, for the time being. We tried to convince her to go with the EMTs to the hospital but she refused again. During this time VS had gotten a hold of her husband and he was on his way to pick her up since she refused to ride in the ambulance.
The EMTs helped her to her feet but she still felt woozy. Her sister had been found and was now comforting her. She wanted to go outside for some air. Turns out one of the ENT knew her mother and sister. Small world.
Once TR was outside, she seemed to settle down. She was more embarrassed than anything. Silly girl, there was nothing she could have done, there is no reason to be embarrassed. I am just glad that she knows who I am and is able to talk. I still think that there is something wrong. She doesnt look right and she is not reacting how I think she should react. It's just a feeling that something is not right.
I am very concerned. I can't concentrate on what I am doing. I should have gone with her but I am not related to her so there is really no reason for me to go. I will have to wait like the rest of us who are concerned. She'll be okay, I hope. I pray that there was no permanent damage done. I'm just very concerned.
I don't know whether or not to call someone to tell them what happened. I am afraid that I will cry. I made a couple of calls but no one is answering. I am glad that I was able to keep my cool. I am glad I was here. I know that there is a reason for everything. I am just glad I was here. I wish I knew for sure that she had gone to the hospital. TR is a little stubborn.
I imagine once I come off the adrenaline that I will be very tired. I'm just glad I knew what to do. As an afterthought, I hope that I did not offend anyone by jumping in and taking over. If I did, I am sorry. It was all such a blur and then right in the middle it seemed to stop while the rest of the world went on. I wonder if that is normal?
Ok, so I lied when I said I would only have one political post. I was very upset this morning when the Today show had a campaign type person on discussing President Bush's new ads using the World Trade Center imagery. See discussion here.
As I was fumbling in my closet trying to decide what shirt to wear, I hear this nameless person say something about reminding the general public about September 11th.
Do you know anyone who needs to be reminded of September 11th?????
I think it is wrong. Flat out wrong to use the imagery of where 3,000 people were murdered to promote a presidency!
Yo George? Any blood on your hands? How about the hundreds of US Military deaths in Iraq and Afganistan? How many at their own hand?
Now, would you like me to tell you how I really feel?
...know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run!
Things were crazy today at work. The boss decided that he trusted me so much that he volunteered me to write four business cases that are due by the end of March. It's been TEN years since I have written anything that resembles a business case. Ack!
My immediate response is "I can't do this!" but the truth is I can, if I would just relax. I never have enough confidence in myself to see what I can and can' do. It's only a failure if I don't try. Besides, I have no choice in the matter. Although my boss graciously presented it like I did. I cheerfully accepted the challenge while inside my head I was screaming at him to pick someone else. Like there was someone else to pick.
Thank goodness there is a template. Not only that, I have my very own product manager who has said she would help me. Yeah, you know that kind of help. She pushes everything at you with no explanation and then takes all the credit for it. No thank you, I will do this myself. Less chance of it getting fouled up. You know the saying too many cook...at least I am not making meatloaf!
When I looked at my calendar today I realized that I have six birthdays and two weddings to attend to this month. Thankfully, three of the birthdays only entail cards until I can get up to Kansas City in April. If anyone has a good idea for a Mom gift, let me know. I am fresh out of ideas.
I also realized that I am in the 11th hour of my thirties. Not that I am counting or anything. The anticipation is killing me. I don't imagine that I will feel any different when I wake up on my birthday and honestly, my thirties for the most part sucked. I got married, divorced, fat, dated the wrong guy...twice and had four surgeries. Three of those were in the last 18 months.
A lot of good things happened too. I have met some good friends been made an honorary aunt,several times over, bought a house and new furniture so I can count my blessings which I am sure out weigh/number the bad.
I made a mad dash to Hallmark at lunch today. It was raining and I didn't have the luxury of piddling around. I love to card shop. It used to crack me up when I would go into a card shop and there would be a sign posted that said "No laughing out loud". Yeah right! If you don't want me to laugh don't sell funny cards.
What is so wrong with laughing out loud...like it's a bad thing? I love to laugh. My favorite person to laugh at is myself. I count this as a true asset. My greatest strength is the ability to laugh at myself and I have the opportunity to do it so often. I've done some pretty dopey things in my life. I laugh at myself when I stumble over my own two feet. When I accidently call myself at work (I dial my extension instead of the extension for the mailbox system). When I have done something crazy and I giggle uncontrollably because only I could do something like that.
My best advice is to never take yourself to seriously and laugh often.
Have you ever noticed that when one person schedules an event on a particular day that ten other people will schedule something that same day?
I can sit on my couch for days even weeks with nothing to do but have one person schedule a wedding or something for the third Saturday of any given month and I will have no less than three other event to attend that day.
It never fails.
I took Molly in to have her teeth cleaned this morning. For a little while today, I got to see what it would be like to have just one dog. This has happened before but for some reason today was kind of interesting.
Sam was his normal wiggy self when I got home from the dealership (I dropped Molly off before heading in to get my car work done). He searched high and low for Molly. I patiently sat in the chair and waited for him to calm down. He came over and gave me the sniff test. The sniff test consists of snorting at my clothes to see if he can detect Molly and what might have happened to her.
I tried to explain to him that Molly was at Dr. Carrie’s to get her teeth cleaned. He looked at me with those big brown eyes that seemed to say “You did what???” I am sure that all he heard was “Molly…blah…blah…blah …Dr. Carrie’s…blah ….blah…blah.” To him, that could only mean one thing….she wasn’t coming home tonight. You see the last time I took Molly to Dr. Carrie’s and didn’t come home with her she had to spend a couple of nights because she had Hemorrhagic Gastroenteritis or HGE. It is a virus that dogs get and can take a little one out very quickly.
Once he calmed down, the plumber came. I have been having trouble with my hall bath stinking to high heaven. I finally figured out that the toilet was not seated correctly and sewer gas was leaking into my house. Rather than try to reseat it myself, I called my home warranty company to schedule a visit by a plumber to see what was actually wrong with the toilet. When I called it in I said it either needed a new wax ring or the flange was broken. It scares me sometimes how much I actually know about maintenance stuff. I really learned a lot in my eight years as an apartment manager.
Once the plumber reseated the toilet, I let Sam Cody back out of his kennel. I let him outside where he spent the next 20 minutes barking at the neighbor’s dog. He does this quite often so I just let him bark. I don’t know if it really bothers my neighbor’s or their dog but sometimes it really gets on my nerves. During this time, I made my lunch.
After lunch we went for a 30 minute walk. Surprisingly, Sam actually walked the whole time we were out. Normally, half way through the walk he sits down. Without any warning and I find myself being jerked back all because this little nine pound dog sat down. It’s a wonder that I haven’t dislocated my shoulder. It was weird walking with one dog. There were no conflicts as to which way we were going. Usually Sam goes one way and Molly the other making me feel like a wishbone. Thank goodness they don’t weigh any more than they do other wise I might end up beside myself.
Once we returned from the walk, I settled into the chair to read some more of my book but something is missing. I can't get comfortable. I called the vet. Molly did well and is waking up. I can’t pick up the Bump until after 5:00. It’s going to be a long afternoon.
I took my car in this morning to have some recall work done. I had to wait for it because the shuttle service will not bring me back to pick it up. I guess I only spent enough money for a one way ticket. I had to wait for about two hours.
As I sat in the waiting room, reading my book, I could not help but watch the people around me. I have always loved watching people. I could sit in an airport and watch people for hours. Not to mention it is one of my favorite parts of going to the casino in Kansas City. When I’ve spent my $20 I inevitably will head over to the roulette table to watch the people and place bets in my head. Mostly, it’s the people I watch.
There was an older black couple who were sitting close by. She, in her purple warm-up suit and he in his slacks and furry hat. They scarcely said a word to each other yet they seemed to know exactly what the other was thinking. They had a paper and she handed him his section and took one of her own, by the time he was finished with his first section she was ready with his next. He got up and got coffee and brought her some, just like she liked it. She even said thank you to him. I hope that when I am that old that my partner, whom ever he may be, knows what I like with out having to ask. It was fun to watch the interplay between them.
There was another woman who was also reading a book. Every time the door would open she would look up. She seemed to be searching to see if it was the serviceman to tell her car was ready. Each time, only to find, it was either another customer or a service man for another client in the waiting room. Her waiting was over about 30 minutes after she arrived.
There was yet another woman who could not stay off her cell phone and she spoke very loudly. She had called a friend who apparently had been asleep. Instead of being courteous and let her go, she continued to rattle on at this friend to see if she could secure a ride back to the dealership should she take the shuttle back to her home. I found her quite rude in the manner in which she asked the question. Instead of asking out right if she could get a ride, she asked what the friend was doing that afternoon. On and on the conversation went before she got to her point.
This was followed by the statement “Can you do me a favor?” I hate that phrase because of my ex-sister-in-law. She would preface everything with “Would you do me a favor?” Yet, if you asked her to do you a favor…well there was hell to pay, if she did it. So when ever I hear someone say that or god forbid it comes out of my mouth, I cringe inside because I feel like I am imposing as that was the way I felt a lot with my ex-sister-in-law.
And lastly, there was a little old man who sat in the corner and kind of talked to himself. A doddering old fool would be the best phrase to describe him. He shuffled his feet when he walked. He went to the sofa and looked around and then sat. He reminded me of a dog that turns around 3 times before he lay down. Once I thought about it, it kind of made me scared that he was still driving. The serviceman retrieved him shortly after he sat down and practically had to yell at him to get his attention.
However, I learned a long time ago not to judge people by the way they looked. I worked at a bank, as my first adult job. We had one guy who came in regularly. He reminded me of an old prospector. He had grey hair with a yellowing beard, wore one of those prospector hats, wore rumpled clothes and smelled of stale tobacco and alcohol.
All I can say is that he was one of the nicest people that I have ever met. He was very respectful and most happy to see me. It eventually came to be that if I was not at the bank, he would leave until I returned. I can’t remember his name but I will tell you one thing…that man was loaded. He had at least two jumbo treasury CDs. You have to have at least $100,000.00 to open one and he had two that I know of. No one had bothered to get to know him, until I came to the bank. Isn’t it strange that one act of kindness will open up a person.
When I decided to quit, I introduced him to a friend of mine, at another branch. I assured him that she would take care of him, just as I had. I don’t know what ever happened to him. I imagine that he is long gone by now. He was that old and it was that many years ago. I do know that my friend took good care of him. She said that he asked about me often. Eventually that bank was bought by another and then another. My friend quit when she had her second child so there is no telling where he ended up.
It’s amazing how many people that I have only met for a short time in my life that have touched my heart. It’s also amazing to think that I may have touched others in the same way. I hope that I always have a compassionate heart and hold dear to the lessons that life has taught me. Fortunately, I am still learning.
...and there are 5 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies screaming at me from the bottom drawer of my filing cabinet. What on earth possessed me to buy 5 boxes????
I just found out that we had a lay-off on Friday. What does that make 11 or 12? I've lost count.
Two of my friends from my PM days were let go, Rene' and Amanda. I was outraged! Then, as I was heating up my lunch, I saw one of the Sr. Managers parading around new hirers.
That just really pissed me off. Why not offer the job to those who are being laid off? So what if it's not the perfect fit...at least offer it to them!
More and more I am being disillusioned by the corporate world. Forget that we have employees, who are actual living, breathing humans, but what does that bottom line look like! There was a line from a movie...um...yeah...it was from 'You've Got Mail'. Meg Ryan says to Tom Hanks something about having a bottom line for a heart. I'm gonna have to watch the movie again because I can not remember the exact line. But you get the point.
I just wish corporate America would figure out that laying people off actually hurts you in the long run. You lose a great knowledge base when you lay people off, not to mention the costs of training and other miscellaneous costs that are associated with a new hire. It just make me sooo mad!
Anyway, I'll get off my soap box because there is not a damn thing a little pawn like me can do about it. Grrrr!
I had a very expensive weekend. Saturday, I went bed shopping. I have been having trouble with my shoulder for almost a year now. I attribute most of the problem to the two biopsies I had last year. I also have tennis elbow (I called it gardeners elbow because I don't play tennis) and spreadsheet shoulder.
I had intended to only look. I visited Mathis Brothers, Evans, Four Day Furniture, Furniture Row and Snow's. I was not pleased with the customer service aspect of the first four places. Having been in sales myself I had to laugh at these people because they basically just showed me what I asked them to show me and then let me go with out a second thought. This was not the case as I walked into Snow's.
I greeted the Salesman, his name was Joe. I had had a lot of practice relaying what I wanted. I wanted to look at beds, sofas and bedroom furniture, in that order. Remember I was only looking for a bed. However, when I was at Mathis Brothers, I had sat in one of those big over-stuffed chairs, so we could chat about beds and my butt fell in love with it. What is the harm in looking right?
So I am in Snow's. I look at the beds. Joe showed me the one that Mathis Bros. was selling and it was about $100 cheaper at Snow's. Then came the sales pitch. He had one that was better than the one that they were selling at Mathis Bros. It was $100 more. I laid down on it. Then I laid down on the one that Mathis Brothers had. There was no comparison but I made sure I laid down on a couple of others before I decided. I wanted the one that was $100 more. Great, I knew which one I wanted, so I would be back next weekend to purchase it.
Here comes that sales pitch again. It's the end of the month and the manager is desperate to meet his quota, if you buy it today, we'll deliver it today and give you free delivery. Eh, okay, I am game to save $35. I then relayed the remainder of my experience at Mathis Bros. and told him about the chair (Joe the salesman actually saw the card that I had the information about the chair written on and asked about it). I, never being one to pass up the chance to talk or know when to shut up, relayed the entire experience. Can you see sucker being written all over my face?
He next told me to look around while he got the numbers off the bed. "I know that you are just looking but let me make sure that I can get you that free delivery and make sure I have the bed in stock" said Joe the sales man. I meandered around the showroom floor and sat in a Benchcraft Chair & 1/2. That is what they call those big over-stuffed chairs made for 1 1/2 persons or 1 persons and two dogs, in my case. See where I am going with this. I meandered some more and kept coming back to the chair that I was falling in love with. Oh, I need to sit on the sofa. What about the sofa and a recliner? Hmmm.
Meanwhile, Joe finds me back in the over-stuffed chair. We sit and chat a while...then he pulls out the calculator. Oh boy, here we go. Let's just see how much all this is. What if they threw in the fabric protection for free? I am already getting free delivery. Does the chair come with an ottoman? Why yes it does, but it's out of stock. He gives me the total and I chew on it. We go over to the recliners and look at those. I am too big for the little recliners and too small for the big recliners but you know that over-stuffed chair is just right. I contemplate some more. Then...there it is...the question of all questions, "What is it going to take to get you to take it home today" Yup, I had him right where he wanted me. (Yes, you read that right!)
So I told him. It wasn't really that much but I knew if I could talk him down a couple hundred dollars then I could kind of justify it. It's not that I didn't have the money, its just that I wasn't planning on spending it. He went and talked to his manager while I waited in the chair. He came back and said that they would do it. All of a sudden, I couldn't feel my feet, nor could I feel my hands. I was about to have an anxiety attack. I can't make a decision on my own, didn't he know this? I asked him if he would mind if I stepped outside and made a phone call. He said he didn't and he would get the numbers off the couch and chair and get the ticket started but no pressure.
I was going to call Mom but they are never home on Saturday afternoons. So I did the next best thing...I called my youngest brother. I relayed what I was about to do and I needed someone to tell me it was okay. I realize that I am an adult but I can't make decisions like that on my own! He passed the phone to his wife who asked some very simple questions. She gave me the okay that it sounded like a good deal. So I headed back into the store. I couldn't find Joe the salesman. I wandered. The manager came up to me and asked me if he could help me find someone...I said I was looking for Joe. Well, he was right here a minute ago. Oh, I so could have turned tail and run at this point but I was more excited than anxious.
There he is and with all the paperwork done and added up to! He then deposited me at the counter where Mandy the money taker added up the tickets (had a separate one for the ottoman that was out of stock) to make sure it was correct and then promptly told me how much to write the check out for. Imagine that, they matched what he had first told me. That is always a good sign. That was the largest check I had ever written in my life...I wasn't even sure I would know how to spell some of the numbers, but I did just fine. Not only that, I had never made a decision that fast in my life. I was reeling! I was the proud owner of a new bed, couch, over-stuffed chair and ottoman and all inside an hour!
I was in shock. I went home and waited for the delivery men. They came a little before 7:00. They moved my old couch and loveseat into the garage along with my old bed (Alert! Shameless plug:If you know anyone who would like some used furniture at a great price, you know where I am). I looked at my living room in amazement. It looked totally different then what I had before. The couch and chair are a beautiful beige-grey with two accent pillows on the couch. My living room really lightened up.
My new bed is about 5 inches taller than my old one and Miss Molly is having trouble getting up in it so I bought her a little foot stool to help her traverse my bed. She hasn't figured it out yet but give her time, she'll get it. It's terribly cute. Sam Cody made sure that the world would know that it was his bed by rolling all over it yesterday morning. I sometimes think he is part cat. I am a little sore after sleeping on the new bed but that is to be expected. I ended up with a Serta, which is what I had before.
I love my new couch and chair and I can't wait for the ottoman to get here. I was really surprised when I didn't have buyers remorse yesterday morning. Of course, it could still hit at anytime. I am happy with my purchases. I have now officially removed any furniture, with the exception of the end tables (hint hint), that I had during my marriage and I am finding that surprisingly liberating. Not that I had any quams about having the furniture because I paid for it, dearly, but it is nice to have him finally removed from my life.
Yesterday I found myself in the chair, on the left side of the sofa, on the right side of the sofa, laying down on the sofa, back to the chair only to start all over again. There is literally not a bad seat in the house. I think I am still in a little bit of shock because I am not a spontaneous person and this was a spontaneous purchase. When I called my parents to tell them what I did, Dad said I was related to my mother. I hope that is a good thing.
